Here's my thing; as a fat woman, I've never really felt all that 'woman'. I mean, before I got married, I'd never been on a date, I didn't know how to wear makeup (still don't, but a bit of lip stain [Urban Decay], a good glass [MAC], plus eyeliner work wonders), I was/am the elephant in the living room when it came to being attractive. To the point where on my wedding day I felt like the biggest fool that had ever walked down the aisle, or in our case, down to the registry office). The skirt, in black and gray nubby silk with a floral pattern, didn't fit right even though I'd had it made. Because, y'see, fat women aren't supposed to be small waisted, and the waistband wasn't tight enough by any stretch of the imagination. I didn't have time to search out a seamstress, either...and it was too long. The top, well, let's just say that I made a very poor decision based on what my mother wanted, and then failed to wear a sweater to cover up.
Anyway, my womanly shape - I'm my own Venus of Willendorf, except more evenly distributed top and bottmwise - is no bonus in this modern world.
I am fat, but invisible. I'd go out with my friends and watch them be hit on and flirted with while at the same table I smiled and sat silently, drinking and listening to the music, occasionally getting up and dancing, frequently wondering wtf I was even bothering when it was clear that I was going to be on my own.
All of which leads me to how I felt when I was pregnant. Suddenly, I was WOMAN (even if most people just thought I was even fatter than before), doing what a woman is supposed to do. In retrospect, this became even more important for unlike my infertility, silent but deadly, my pregnancy was visible, and I could talk about stuff that even men would have heard about.
Which brings me to here and now, being unpregnant, wanting that feeling of visibility again - visibility which the Chieftain also gets me, but we're not often together in public any more, wanting to feel like WOMAN. Because I don't. I've completely lost interest in sex (and I've never felt sexy anyway, but I wish I felt some desire so that I could at least approach Mr Oro with a wink and a nudge and maybe a can of Spam* or something, instead of thinking of sex as a duty - which has not, btw, happened. Funny things are still occurring in the Southerly parts anyway) and going out or dressing up is not an option, so...
...know what I mean?
It's all bound up together, the baby and the infertility and the sexuality and the fat. I wonder if I'd feel differently if I'd grown up thinking I was attractive, rather than, if not ugly, then at best at least I was smart?
Oro out
